To : The Man Who Took It All

I don't know how to refer to the man who doesn't know a thing about me yet took everything from me -

 One would think you'd studied me over & over, 

but the man who took my everything doesn't know how I like my coffee in the morning.

He claimed I wanted it as much as he did, not knowing I was as pure as water with innocence stronger than the wind. 

You told me to stop being difficult,

told me I was getting what I deserved - 

That I was becoming a woman.

But I was unbecoming the woman my mother had raised. 

The filth in your mind quickly became my own. 

I screamed so loud, even begging for my own body, 

a body that wasn't mine anymore in that moment. 

I kept scratching and punching at you with hopes you'd stop, 

but that only made you stronger.

In that moment without giving up the fight, the horrid reality
That a man could take something I've sacred for so long in less than a minute,

 you melted into my ash tray pelvis like a ciggy. 

The girl in me had died.

Never felt dirtier and less worthy I believed it was my fault.

 It didn't make sense that the girl next door wasn't a victim and I was. Surely, it had to be me.
Was it my tight clothes?
The cleavage?
Or the smell of my perfume?

- that taunted your manhood making you feel less of a man that you had to take all that was in me claiming it was your right. 

Your inability to take responsibility emasculated you. 

You're not a man. 

Just another senseless fxcker.

So to the 'boy' who took it all; 

The scent of your sweat still reeks on me as I fail to sleep at night with fear you'll come back and take more of nothing that is left in me. 

I hope when you look in the mirror you're taunted by all the lives you ruined.

 I hope you feel your blood moving slowly down your veins.

 I hope your very exhale taints your soul and suffocates the life out of you.

 My momma warned me about filthy niggas like you.

But God, oh God, I hope you don't bear a daughter.

 I liked my coffee, brown & milky- the colour of my skin. 

So I sit down in the morning, the silence & the pain settles like an easier kind of apology. 

And I had to forgive myself. 

That's where the healing began.

 I just told you the most horrific moment in my short life so I hope you know me better now. 

You might have taken the most sacred thing from me but I'm not broken for I now don't blame myself for being
Abused by a selfish bastard like you. 

I will not make any more excuses as to why you did it. 

Don't forget me for I'll never forget you. 

There's a scar caused by you but you see its healed without your sorrys.        

- I hope you're a man now.  
  
From : A woman who survived it all

Lamela Ngewana